Raider Pride
Cheesehead
By Mike Freeman
CBSSports.com National Columnist
Hello, everyone. Brett Favre here.
You ask: Why come back? Good question.
Here's the answer. Because I'm Brett Lorenzo Favre.
And you're not.
That's why.
Clear everything up for you?
If my comeback does anything it should finally make all of you suckers realize that I love me some me. I'm more Terrell than Terrell.
"Like your style, Brett," said Chad Johnson.
Thank you, Ocho. I learned from the best, my brotha.
Did you see me mentioned on ESPN several thousand times in a 13-minute span? Did you see? They set the record for blatant pandering to me, previously held by John Madden. I need my own network.
People say the sports world is utterly sick of me. False. It's not true that fans throw up in their mouths when they hear my regal name.
Just Googled myself an hour ago. They're talking about me all over those fancy Internets website thingies. Bored of me? People can't get enough.
I'm back. Woo-hoo!
So what if I'm really a selfish, egotistical, franchise-wrecking rube who gives new meaning to the word diva. Who cares? Everyone is talking about me again. Me, me, me.
Because I'm Brett Lorenzo Favre. And you're not.
My old teammate Mark "Hot tub" Chmura, referring to me, once said, "People who don't think that it's all about him are fooling themselves."
Have to say 'ol hot tub nailed that one about the Brettinator.
But if I retire how will announcers constantly talk about my gunslinger mentality?
And what about Aaron Rodgers, you ask?
What about him?
He's my apprentice in perpetuity.
His feelings? This is football, people. Brett Favre isn't Dr. Phil. Brett Favre is Brett Favre is Brett Favre.
Aaron can suck on a lemon.
So can Dr. Phil.
When I'm playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers next season, Aaron will still be my apprentice in perpetuity. For Christmas I'm sending him a clipboard just so he feels at home.
Knock, knock.
(Who's there?)
Aaron?
(Aaron who?)
Aaron where's your clipboard?
Damn I'm funny. The best part about being me? Playing Jedi mind tricks with GM Ted Thompson. I'm coming back, not coming back. Coming back, not coming back. Pulled the old okey doke on Teddy boy.
Then Teddy announced to the world that I would be a backup to my apprentice in perpetuity.
"Quite frankly, it's a little gut-wrenching as an organization to go through it ...," I read Thompson say. "This stuff hurts a lot of people. I mean, it hurts. I'm not talking about physically hurting, but the sensitivity. We understand where the fans are coming from. This is a hot-button issue that surpasses anything I've ever gone through."
Boo freaking hoo, crybaby.
And we'll see who wins this fight, Teddy boy.
One snap of my Hall of Fame fingers and I can have 20,000 cheese heads pepper you with slices of very sharp cheddar. Preferably the organic kind.
All this time I've fooled the cheeseheads into believing I'm just a humble good old boy when actually I'm Gordon Gecko in shoulder pads.
Because I'm Brett Lorenzo Favre.
And you're not.
Do you finally understand that?
CBSSports.com National Columnist
Hello, everyone. Brett Favre here.
You ask: Why come back? Good question.
Here's the answer. Because I'm Brett Lorenzo Favre.
And you're not.
That's why.
Clear everything up for you?
If my comeback does anything it should finally make all of you suckers realize that I love me some me. I'm more Terrell than Terrell.
"Like your style, Brett," said Chad Johnson.
Thank you, Ocho. I learned from the best, my brotha.
Did you see me mentioned on ESPN several thousand times in a 13-minute span? Did you see? They set the record for blatant pandering to me, previously held by John Madden. I need my own network.
People say the sports world is utterly sick of me. False. It's not true that fans throw up in their mouths when they hear my regal name.
Just Googled myself an hour ago. They're talking about me all over those fancy Internets website thingies. Bored of me? People can't get enough.
I'm back. Woo-hoo!
So what if I'm really a selfish, egotistical, franchise-wrecking rube who gives new meaning to the word diva. Who cares? Everyone is talking about me again. Me, me, me.
Because I'm Brett Lorenzo Favre. And you're not.
My old teammate Mark "Hot tub" Chmura, referring to me, once said, "People who don't think that it's all about him are fooling themselves."
Have to say 'ol hot tub nailed that one about the Brettinator.
But if I retire how will announcers constantly talk about my gunslinger mentality?
And what about Aaron Rodgers, you ask?
What about him?
He's my apprentice in perpetuity.
His feelings? This is football, people. Brett Favre isn't Dr. Phil. Brett Favre is Brett Favre is Brett Favre.
Aaron can suck on a lemon.
So can Dr. Phil.
When I'm playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers next season, Aaron will still be my apprentice in perpetuity. For Christmas I'm sending him a clipboard just so he feels at home.
Knock, knock.
(Who's there?)
Aaron?
(Aaron who?)
Aaron where's your clipboard?
Damn I'm funny. The best part about being me? Playing Jedi mind tricks with GM Ted Thompson. I'm coming back, not coming back. Coming back, not coming back. Pulled the old okey doke on Teddy boy.
Then Teddy announced to the world that I would be a backup to my apprentice in perpetuity.
"Quite frankly, it's a little gut-wrenching as an organization to go through it ...," I read Thompson say. "This stuff hurts a lot of people. I mean, it hurts. I'm not talking about physically hurting, but the sensitivity. We understand where the fans are coming from. This is a hot-button issue that surpasses anything I've ever gone through."
Boo freaking hoo, crybaby.
And we'll see who wins this fight, Teddy boy.
One snap of my Hall of Fame fingers and I can have 20,000 cheese heads pepper you with slices of very sharp cheddar. Preferably the organic kind.
All this time I've fooled the cheeseheads into believing I'm just a humble good old boy when actually I'm Gordon Gecko in shoulder pads.
Because I'm Brett Lorenzo Favre.
And you're not.
Do you finally understand that?
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