Week 3 Recap: Packers @ Bears

[PackersDraft]

Hey guys, most of you know that I make previews and recaps of every Packer game. I like to post them on this forum to get replies and advice. Is this the right spot to post them or should they be posted somewhere else? But anyway, here is the link to the recap of the game.

http://packersandfootball.blogspot.com/2011/09/final-score-packers-27-bears-17.html

Please tell me what you think of the blog.

 

[Forget Favre]

I do have some comments/feedback on your blog but you may not like it.
Blogs are not really professional writing. They are something personal so I don't know how relevant my feedback is...
Here goes...
First of all, the background.
I find the giant out of center "G" to be bright, a bit distracting and overwhelming.
The stadium background used here on the forum is all one color and it's easy on the eyes.
I find your writing to be too rambling. I don't see a train of thought staying on the same track.
You seem to get distracted.
(Again, since this is a personal blog I don't know if that matters or not.)
If I were writing this, I would break it down into categories:
Packers offense
Packers defense
How the Packers played over all.
Other observations and opinions.
Same thing for the opposing team.
The Ups/Downs is a good idea but I would be interested in reading like a line or two on your choices.
Like why are turnovers a "Down" for the Pack since they won the game?
Also, everything I read on your blog I feel like I could read/find elsewhere.
Somehow try and put in things that are unique.
Play around with words a bit more.
You don't have access to a press conference or the locker room, do you?
Maybe you can find a small tidbit on the web here or there that may fit in.
Or watch post game interviews or press conferences which is on the Packers website.

Overall, I think that you have good ideas and observations of who did what.
I just have a hard time understanding what you mean or get lost in your jumble of words.
Know or have an idea of what is really relevant.
We don't really need to know about Gabe Carimi, do we?
The challenge of writers is to think of themselves as the reader and to write to keep it interesting for the reader.
You gotta hook me in with your first few sentences and keep me hooked.
At this point, I don't feel that way. I can leave the page before reading it all the way through.
You don't want me or any other readers to do that, do you?
So find a style that will keep the reader in and with it to the end.
Learning how to edit, edit, edit and edit again your own work is a major component to writing.
Keep practicing, keep working on it and it will get better.
You can take or leave all or any of my advice.

 

[Forget Favre]

Here's a good example of what I mean.
You don't want to copy exactly what he wrote, but it's short, sweet and to the point.
http://www.packerforum.com/threads/postgame-packers-27-bears-17.29909/

And this part here is a great example of what I mean about having your own writing style while finding a little tidbit:

As for what could have been, Johnny Knox's would-be 89-yard punt return with less than a minute to play was called back because of a holding penalty. The Packers special teams went after Devin Hester who faked as if the ball was dropping towards him from the sky, Meanwhile all alone in the corner with the ball actually was headed out of bounds on the other side of the field, where Knox came out of coverage to make the catch. The FOX tv camera's were fooled as Knox made it up the sideline and to the goalline, only to have the TD reversed for holding.

Rodgers was impressed with the play.

"That was the most incredible play I had ever seen in seven years," Rodgers said. "And being a sports fan in that situation, it was incredible. I think everyone on the sidelines was wondering what the heck just happened as he was running down the sideline with two blockers in front of him. Honestly, it was the most incredible play that I have ever seen."

A Packers fan went Zapruder on the Knox play to reveal evidence of the Bears holding during the return. Click here to see the image.​

I like the description of the "ball...dropping from the sky."
And this is the first place I've ever known of Rodgers being impressed with the play.

 

[PackersDraft]

Thank you for your advice. I am still learning and practicing so any advice I get from anyone is very appreciated. Thanks for taking time to do this and read my blog. Please check back and read more, there will be recaps and previews two days before and after every Packer game.

 

[Forget Favre]

Another thing I thought of that you may also want to consider would be to use metaphors.
Like "Packers tame the Bears."
Or if it's between the Packers and the Falcons: Packers cage the birds.
Stuff like that.

Keep it interesting and you'll keep us interested.