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Things you should know by now..

Discussion in 'The Atrium' started by Pack93z, Feb 27, 2008.

  1. Pack93z

    Pack93z You retired too? .... Not me. I'm in my prime

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    39 Things that you should know by now
    1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative drug on the same night.

    2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

    3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

    6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

    7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

    8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

    9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

    10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

    11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

    13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

    14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

    15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

    16. A balanced diet is a beer in each hand.

    17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

    18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

    19. Junk is something You've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

    20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

    21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

    22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

    23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

    24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

    25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

    26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.

    27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.

    28. People who want to share their religious views with you never want you to share yours with them.

    29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

    31. Never lick a steak knife.

    32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

    33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

    34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

    36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers and have a sense of humour

    37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

    38. Your friends love you anyway.

    39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
     
  2. Packers_Finland

    Packers_Finland Cheesehead

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    3, 4, 6 = Extreme laughage.
     
  3. Zombieslayer

    Zombieslayer Cheesehead

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    That's how I died in my previous life.
     
  4. Zombieslayer

    Zombieslayer Cheesehead

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    I'm going to tell this to Mrs. Z next time she asks. See what she says.
     
  5. Pack93z

    Pack93z You retired too? .... Not me. I'm in my prime

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    LOL... good luck with that one.. make sure you tie a string on your bum.. so when she is done kicking it you can retrieve it again. :lol:
     
  6. Packers_Finland

    Packers_Finland Cheesehead

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    If once saw a man whose dog started howling and rolling on the ground everytime the Vikes lost. I asked the man "What does he do if they win?"

    The man replied "I dunno, I've only had him for like two years"

    Here comes the next thing you should've known by now. The Vikes never win.
     
  7. IronMan

    IronMan Cheesehead

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  8. Zombieslayer

    Zombieslayer Cheesehead

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    Nice.

    Tell this joke to Vikesrule in the Smack Area.
     
  9. PackinSteel

    PackinSteel Cheesehead

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    Best be washing dishes when you try that Mr. Z...
     

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