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Post a Joke Thread

Discussion in 'The Atrium' started by robdog, Apr 29, 2009.

  1. FrankRizzo

    FrankRizzo Cheesehead

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    IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:
    PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING
    QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR DOG!!!!!

    YES, HE MAULED SIX PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS,
    FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI T-SHIRTS,
    NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR CRACK,
    THREE FLAG BURNERS,
    AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.

    FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!!!

    NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING,
    BUT - HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!!!!
     
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  2. mcoomer146

    mcoomer146 Cheesehead

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    That's GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  3. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Two guys are sitting on the top of an eighteen storey building mind their own business when they are joined by from Texas. During the conversation, he kept asking them if they could do something only to say he could do it better or faster. No matter what they said, HE could do it better. After a while, one of the strangers is getting pissed off and say`s "can you do this ?". He launches himself off the roof, plummeting towards the pavement below. At the last second, he swoops back up to the roof, landing besides his friend. The Texan doesn`t even have to think about it. "If you can boy, a Texan can do it better !". With a rebel yell, he throws himself into space only to splatter on the pavement in a bloody mess.
    The man sitting on the ledge looks down, and then at his smiling friend and says "You know Micheal ???, for an archangel, you can be a bit of a **** at times !!!"
     
  4. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A four seater Cesna aircraft has crashed into the Ballybunion village cemetery in Ireland. Rescue workers have so far recovered 457 bodies at the crash site.
     
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  5. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A couple go on a cruise. One night she isn`t feeling too good so has an early night but he goes for a few drinks. He meets up with a few people and they all begin talking about their favourite hobbies. He gives a fantastic talk about sex, sexual positions and everything sexual. When he gets back to the cabin his wife is awake and asks if he has had a nice evening and what he`s been up to. He tells her so much, but when it comes to the talk stuff he is embarrassed and says he was talking about sailing. In the morning his wife gets up early and goes for breakfast along when she meets two of the women her husband had been talking to the previous evening.
    "Your husband was so interesting last night, and so knowledgeable about his hobby !". "I don`t know why ?" says the wife, "He`s only done it twice. The first time he was sick, and the second time his hat blew off !!"
     
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  6. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving. As you well know some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

    A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some shots.
    Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did something I've never done before? I took a bus home.
    Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint, but as it was a bus they waved it through.

    I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!

    Edit: Nothing.
     
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  7. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

    "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
    A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
    "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out
    "Matt is riding a new bike....."
    A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving"
    A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

    Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know that?"

    "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
     
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  8. Shawnsta3

    Shawnsta3 Cheesehead

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    Donald Rumsfeld is giving president Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
     
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  9. Shawnsta3

    Shawnsta3 Cheesehead

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    Why can't Christian Ponder get in his own driveway?

    - Someone painted an endzone on it.
     
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    • Winner Winner x 1
  10. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. After all, housework was woman's work!

    But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up.

    It turned out that Charley read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

    The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

    "But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

    "Oh, that was perfect too. :) Charley was too tired!
     
  11. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    an Englishman, a Scotsman, a Texan, and a Mexican were on a plane about to crash. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes. The Englishman grabbed a chute, yelled "Remember Agincourt", and threw himself out of the plane. The Scotsman grabbed a chute, yelled "Remember Culloden", and threw himself out. The Texan grabbed the final chute, yelled "Remember the Alamo", and threw the Mexican out !!!!! :D
     
  12. Oshkoshpackfan

    Oshkoshpackfan YUT !!!

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    Q: How many Vikings does it take to win a SuperBowl?
    A: Nobody knows!

    Q: What does a junk car and the Vikings have in common?
    A: Neither has a title!!


    I’ve heard the Vikings have set up a crisis line to explain their recent lack of Super Bowl success.
    For those wanting to call, the phone number is 1-800-10-10-10.
    Again, that number is 1-800-won nothing-won nothing-won nothing.


    Q. What do the MN Vikings & Billy Graham have in common?
    A. They both can make 40,000 people stand up & yell “Jesus Christ!”


    Q. What do you call 53 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
    A. The MN Vikings.
     
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  13. Oshkoshpackfan

    Oshkoshpackfan YUT !!!

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    Why can't the vikings do a version of the Lambeau leap? Those empty seats would hurt really bad

    What is the smallest room at the metrodome? The trophy room !!!
     
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  14. Oshkoshpackfan

    Oshkoshpackfan YUT !!!

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    Q. How do the Vikings count to 10?
    A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10

    Q. Where do you go in Minneapolis in case of a tornado?
    A. To the Metrodome - there's never a touchdown!

    Q. What do the Vikings and possums have in common?
    A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

    Q. What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
    A. A thief!
     
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  15. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    SCOTTISH WEDDING
    At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. Yelled...
    "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
    The bartender was almost crushed to death.




    Drive By
    A guy broke into my apartment last week.
    He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
    Now he drives by and changes the channels.
    Sick Bastard!!
     
  16. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Batman decides to throw a big party for his friend Superman, with all the other Superheroes,so he hires the best hotel in Gotham city and waits outside to greet his guest of honour.
    First to arrive is Green lantern. Batman greets him and tells him Robin is inside at the bar, but Superman hasn`t arrived yet.
    The same scenario takes place with Flash, Captain America, Green Hornet, The fantastic four, but still no guest of honour.
    After nearly 30 minutes, Superman arrives looking dishevelded and winded. "Where the hell have you been ?, nearly everybody is here already"
    "Sorry Batman, I was on my way here when I flew over the park in central Gotham, when with my super vision I saw Wonderwoman laying naked all relaxed and gorgeous." he continued "I`ve fancied her for ages and couldn`t resist it, I flew down and just had to have her there and then"
    Batman smiled and said "fair play mate, was she surprised ???", "yes" said Superman, "but not as surprised as the invisible man was !!!"
     
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  17. Darth Garfunkel

    Darth Garfunkel Cheesehead

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    When visiting her uncles grave a woman noticed a man weeping at another grave site.
    "Oh why, oh why did you have to die?" The man wailed.

    When she visited her mother's grave a week later the man was there again.
    "Oh why, oh why did you have to die?" The man wailed.

    On a third visit she noticed him there again.
    "Oh why, oh why did you have to die?" The man wailed again and again.

    She felt so bad for the man she approached to offer her condolences "this person must have meant a lot to you, I'm so sorry".

    The man replied "I never met him, he was my wife's first husband!"
     
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  18. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A funeral procession was going down the high street of the local town. Behind it walked a lone man with a Rottweiler dog. Behind the man some thirty paces back was a column of over 200 men. A bystander said to another standing watching, "She must have been somebody very important ?". "No" the second man said "She was a foulmouthed, nagging harpie of a woman actually".
    "Oh" said the man "Well her husband must have loved her ?", "No" said the second man "He hated her with a passion actually !".
    "How did she die ?" asked the man. "She was savaged to death by that Rottweiler !".
    "Oh my God" said the first man, "Are all those men close friends of the woman or the man ?" he asked
    "No" said the second man, "They are all interested in buying the dog !!!"

    Sorry, didn`t see Franks joke
     
  19. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat.

    I'm thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn't supposed to.
     
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  20. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

    For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his student. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

    When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention"!
     
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  21. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    When asked if I preferred legs or breasts, I told the young lady that I had a particular fondness for sexy navels.

    She then informed me that this wasn’t an option when choosing a KFC Bargain Bucket.
     
  22. fanindaup

    fanindaup Cheesehead

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    How about for the last answer 'a former Packer'
     
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  23. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
    mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
    gives him a partial sponge bat...h.

    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
    here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
    testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
    from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
    and pulls back the covers.
    She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
    gently in the other.

    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
    Sir. They look fine."

    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
    very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
    very, very closely:

    Are - my - test - results - back?"
     
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  24. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    An uncle of mine passed away recently aged 105. He attributed his longevity to the fact that EVERYDAY he took a large spoonful of gunpowder as part of his diet. He left a wife, three children, nine grandchildren, two great grandchildren, and a twenty foot hole in the crematorium wall !!!
     
  25. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Three men go to heaven. St Peter meets them at the gates and says "the rules here are simple, you`ll have a great life here, no rules but one, DONT STEP ON THE DUCKS !!". They go inside and its beautiful, but there are ducks everywhere. One day one of them accidently steps on a duck and immediately St Peter arrives with a real UGLY, SMELLY woman and chains her to the man saying "You have broke the rules and will spend the rest of your life chained to this woman in torment." A while later another of the men steps on a duck. Sure enough St Peter appears with another woman even uglier and smellier than the first. "You have broken the rules and will spend your life chained to this terrible woman". A week later the third man is walking along when St Peter appears with a stunner !. She is beautiful, with a 34-24-34 figure with the looks of a supermodel and chains her to him and goes. The man is dumbstruck and says to her "I don`t know what I`ve done to deserve this ??". She looks at him and says "Neither do I. All I did was step on a bloody duck !!!"
     

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