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Post a Joke Thread

Discussion in 'The Atrium' started by robdog, Apr 29, 2009.

  1. GreenBayGal

    GreenBayGal Cheese Goddess

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    the pope on vacation


    The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Viking fan wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Go Vikings hat and a Vikings rule shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

    As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Packer fans wearing Packer shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Viking fan from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three Packer fans finished off the grizzly. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Viking fan in the back seat.

    As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Packer fans and Viking fans, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

    As the Pope drove off, one Packer fan asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

    "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

    "Well," the Packer fan said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Minnesota and get another one?"
     
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  2. mcoomer146

    mcoomer146 Cheesehead

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    The Hooker

    An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
    "$100" she replies.
    In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
    "No" she says.
    "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
    "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
    "I pay you $300."
    "No," she says.
    "I pay you $400."
    "No," she says.
    So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
    She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
    I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
    Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was really great! So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
    The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
     
  3. mcoomer146

    mcoomer146 Cheesehead

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    After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ...... "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

    Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
     
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  4. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    Aw SHUCKS!
    That's really CORNY!
     
  5. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?




    Nothing. It just let out a little whine.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    A peanut sat on a railroad track
    It's heart was all a flutter.
    Around the bend came number 10
    Toot - toot! Peanut butter!

    --------------------------------------------------


    An apple sat on a railroad track
    Feeling rather blue and cross
    Around the bend came number 10
    Toot-toot! Applesauce!

    All these are from childhood.
    Man, the things the brain holds!
     
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  6. GreenBayGal

    GreenBayGal Cheese Goddess

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    Here I sit, broken hearted.
    Tried to poop but only farted.

    (Just trying to keep in the rhyming trend that ForgetFavre started)
     
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  7. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    A University of Wisconsin-Green Bay professor reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam.

    "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
    tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
    or illness, or a death in your immediate family, or even a hangover from the Packers game, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

    A smart a** guy in the back of the room wearing his Aaron Rodgers jersey, raised his hand and asked,

    "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

    The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
    restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
    and sweetly said

    "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
     
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  8. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

    "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

    "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
    "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

    One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

    The student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

    The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

    The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats!'"
     
  9. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    This young man was so enamored with his girlfriend that he had her name tattooed on his p***s. So when he was excited you could read her whole name, "Wendy". When he wasn't excited of course all you could see was the W and the y. One weekend he and his future bride to be went to the island for a weekend get away. After having a few drinks he had go to the bathroom. While standing at the stall he happened to glance at the man next to him and notice a tattoo similar to his, a "W" and a 'y'. Being drunk and not caring, he had to know so he asked the man. "I couldn't help notice your tattoo, do you have a girlfriend named Wendy? " The man replied, "Ah, no man, my tattoo does not say "Wendy", it says "Welcome to Jamaica, have a good day."



    Mods, if to off color, feel free to delete.
     
  10. mcoomer146

    mcoomer146 Cheesehead

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    A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

    HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

    HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?I DON'T THINK SO.

    FINE,
    THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

    FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

    I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

    SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

    HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

    AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

    AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

    AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

    HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

    JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

    HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

    HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

    SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
     
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  11. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    During a long rain delay, the baseball announcer filled in some time by sharing some baseball trivia with his color man.
    “Know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975? I’ll tell you — it was none other than Hank Aaron.”
    “Know who hit the most RBIs between 1955 and 1975? It was also Hank Aaron.”
    “And who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1955 and 1975?”
    “Hank Aaron?,” ventured the color commentator.
    “Nope,” said the announcer, “It was Liberace.”
     
  12. KyPackerFireFighter

    KyPackerFireFighter Cheesehead

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    Haha some good jokes
     
  13. mcoomer146

    mcoomer146 Cheesehead

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    A redhead walks into her doctors office and says "Doctor i'm scared , no matter where i touch myself on my body it is excruciatingly painful"..the doctor replies

    "That sounds serious, show me some of the areas that hurt"

    ..the girl takes her fore finger and presses it to her shoulder and screams in agony, she then touches her thigh and screams, she touches her breast and cries out again

    The doctor says " Ma'am you are not a redhead are you.."

    The woman lowers her head in embarrassment.. "No i am a blonde, really"

    ..the doctor replies "I thought so..your finger is broken"
     
  14. GreenBayGal

    GreenBayGal Cheese Goddess

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    If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she would be "ella-vader". The Unknown Comic had some great material. LOL
     
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  15. Poppa San

    Poppa San SB I trophy First of four Staff Member Moderator

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    You actually remember the Unknown Comic's material? You need some new memories.
     
  16. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    I don't get it?
     
  17. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    Liberace was gay and he didn't play baseball.
    Capace'?
     
  18. GreenBayGal

    GreenBayGal Cheese Goddess

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    Classic material never loses its zing. I wish the Gong Show would come back. LOL.
     
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  19. neilfii

    neilfii Hall of Fame Fan

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    The Unknown Comic and Gene Gene the Dancin' Machine were classic!
     
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  20. Poppa San

    Poppa San SB I trophy First of four Staff Member Moderator

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    I think the retro network shows it. I don't recall when but I did see part of an episode earlier this summer.
     
  21. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    In a way it did.
    It's called "America's Got Talent."
    Only it's not as fun as the Gong Show was.
    The judges aren't funny and the host sucks. And when they do have Gong Show type talent they don't get very far.

    I'm with you, GBG. Bring back those retro shows, pronto.
    (The 70's was the last golden age of TV.)
     
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  22. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    The only retro shows that I know of is MeTV and to some degree TV Land. (Though TVL is becoming less and less retro.)
    Is there another specific channel you know of?
     
  23. Poppa San

    Poppa San SB I trophy First of four Staff Member Moderator

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    RetroTv is sa digital sideband. http://www.myretrotv.com/index2.html
    I may have seen the Gong Show on the gameshow network. I don't exactly recall.
     
  24. GreenBayGal

    GreenBayGal Cheese Goddess

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    I'm glad I'm not the only one in this forum that can spot quality TV. LOL!
     
  25. neilfii

    neilfii Hall of Fame Fan

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    Older is often better. Not only those shows, but today's SNL can't hold a candle to the Not Ready for Prime Time Players -- Chevy, Gilda, Murry, Akroyd, Belushi, Curtain.
    In additon to MeTV we get MeToo which is more oldies and when I watch TV (other than sports) that's usually what I watch -- the oldies (like me).
     
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