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Post a Joke Thread

Discussion in 'The Atrium' started by robdog, Apr 29, 2009.

  1. Sandolf

    Sandolf Blue Moon Rising

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    [​IMG]

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    Last edited: Apr 18, 2014
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  2. ThxJackVainisi

    ThxJackVainisi Lifelong Packers Fanatic

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    Now that ^ was funny!
     
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  3. PackerFan71

    PackerFan71 This is the life.

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    [​IMG]
     
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  4. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    An Englishman stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.

    While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

    Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

    The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
    The Englishman said, 'I will have the same please.'
    The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
    The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only
    special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.
    ' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2014
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  5. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her
    job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
    her treatment.

    It seems a male caller dialed 999* from a mobile phone stating, "I am
    depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the
    train to come so I can
    finally meet Allah."

    Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be
    the appropriate, or correct response......
     
  6. Raptorman

    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    Don't see the joke. Only a reasonable response. ;)
     
  7. AmishMafia

    AmishMafia Cheesehead

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    Three Green Bay Psychiatrists are having lunch. They begin to complain that they have to listen to peoples problems all day and they don't get to express themselves. That their are issues in their lives that will affect their careers that they cannot divulge to just anyone. Suddenly one of them came up with the idea that they could confess things to each other. They all agree.

    First psychiatrist begins, "I'm afraid I am not helping my patients as I should. You see, I have substance abuse issues. I can't stand my patients and I drink all day long. I don't even listen to them when they are talking. I keep a flask in my chair cushion and I just start getting plastered first thing in the morning. I have now started writing prescriptions for myself. I feel like a failure and I just can't stop."

    After a few moments of silence the next psychiatrist begins, "Well, I am shocked. Let me go next, I too am wronging my patients as well. You see, I have been having trouble in my marriage for the last few years. And, I have been sleeping with several of my patients. I use their emotional issues to my advantage. They come for their sessions and we just end up having sex. I tell them it is therapy for them and it will help them. I feel, so ashamed, but I cannot seem to stop."

    After another moment of silence as the others digest the contents of the admission, the third psychiatrist begins. "Well, my problem is, I just can't help blabbing all over town, secrets that my patients tell me."
     
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  8. AmishMafia

    AmishMafia Cheesehead

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    Sheriff: All right posse, wake up. We are riding up the valley to get those 3 cattle rustlers. Deputy Jones, fetch me my red shirt.
    Jones: Why do you want your red shirt?
    Sheriff: Well, if one of them gets a lucky shot, I don't want them to see me bleed.
    Other Deputy running up: Oh my God! Sheriff, there are 100 of the meanest ornryest blood-thirsty cattle rustlers riding towards us now. They will be here in a minute and they already have us surrounded!
    Sheriff: Well, Jones, forget the red shirt. Fetch me my brown pants.
     
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  9. Terre Haute Cheesehead

    Terre Haute Cheesehead Cheesehead

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    OK....I'm on a roll! Here's a few more ;)

    What's the difference between dirt and the Chicago Cubs?
    Nothing...they both always get swept.


    What do the Chicago Cubs and lawn furniture have in common?
    They both fold and end up in the cellar after Labor Day!


    How many Chicago Cubs does it take to change a tire?
    One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up.


    What do you call 40 millionaires around a TV watching the World Series?
    The Chicago Cubs.


    Did you hear that Chicago's baseball team doesn't have a website?
    They can't string three "Ws" together.


    What do you call a Cubs player with a World Series ring?
    A thief.


    What do the Chicago Cubs players and Michael Jackson have in common?
    They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.


    "HELLO........Is this thing ON?" :mad:
     
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  10. Vltrophy

    Vltrophy Cheesehead

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    Roflmfao. They are all very good. My top 3 are as follows. 3)get swept 2)Labor Day & the #1 joke IMO is can't get 3W's in a row
     
  11. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
    A: Nobody knows and we may never find out!

    Q: How many Lions fans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None they are happy living in Green Bays shadow!


    Q: What did the Lions fan say after his team won the Super Bowl?
    A: "Dammit mom, why'd you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!"

    Q. How are the Detroit Lions like my neighbors?
    A. They can't pick up a single yard!

    Q: Why is Nate Burleson like a grizzly bear?
    A: Every fall he goes into hibernation.

    Q: What do you call an Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
    A: A thief.

    Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
    A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

    Q: What do the Detroit Lions and possums have in common?
    A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

    Q: What is the difference between a Lions fan and a baby?
    A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

    Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to change a tire?
    A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

    Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
    A: The Detroit Lions.

    Q: What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
    A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

    Q: How do you keep an Detroit Lions out of your yard?
    A: Put up goal posts.

    Q: Why are so many Detroit Lions players claiming they have the Swine Flu?
    A: So They don't have to touch the pigskin!

    Q: What is a Detroit Lions fan's favorite whine?
    A: "We can't beat Green Bay."

    Q: How do you stop an Detroit Lions fan from beating his wife?
    A: Dress her in Green Bay Yellow and Green!

    Q: What is th difference between a bucket of **** and a Detroit Lions fan?
    A: The bucket.

    Q: If you have a car containing a Lions wide receiver, a Lions linebacker, and a Lions defensive back, who is driving the car?
    A: The cop.

    Q: What should you do if you find three Detroit Lions football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
    A: Get more cement.
     
  12. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Intelligence
    Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

    So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

    The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

    The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
     
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  13. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Sex With Ghost
    A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks

    "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
    About 90 students raise their hands.

    'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
    About 40 students raise their hands.

    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
    15 students raise their hands.

    "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
    3 students raise their hands.

    "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
    Billy Ray, way in the back raises his hand.

    The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

    The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

    Billy Ray replied, "Daaaang!!! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats"!!
     
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  14. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    First Speaking Punishment
    This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

    The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

    After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.

    Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

    After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.

    Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.

    By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

    And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'
     
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  15. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    After many years of being an office drone in a big city, George has finally had it.
    So he takes out all of the money he has been saving and buys a house way out in the country for some much needed peace and quiet.
    The only human contact he has is once a week when he goes into town for mail and groceries.
    After a few months there is a knock at the door one day.
    George answers and standing there is a big bearded man.
    "Name's Lars. I'm your nearest neighbor about 50 miles away east of here down the road."
    "Nice to meet ya," says George. "What can I do for you?"
    "Just wanted to invite you to a party I'm having at my place this Saturday night."
    "Sounds good."
    "Just to warn you. There will be some drinking."
    "That's fine. I can drink with the best of them."
    "There will be some drugs too."
    "I don't have a problem with that. Heck, I would even try some after years of not doing it."
    "Usually a fight breaks out at my parties."
    "Buddy, after living years in the city I can take it."
    "There will also be wild sex at this party."
    "Yeah? I wouldn't mind that at all after all this time of being alone."
    "OK," says Lars as he starts to leave, "See ya Saturday."
    "Um, wait. What should I wear and what time should I be there?" George asks.
    "Don't matter," Lars replies, "It's just gonna be the two of us there."
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2014
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  16. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    The only two lawyers of a law firm go out to lunch.
    Just as they sit down one of them gets up really fast, "Oh my god! I forgot to lock the safe back in the office!"
    "Relax," says his partner. "No need to worry. We're both here."

    What is the difference between a lawyer and a cat fish?
    One is a bottom dwelling scum sucking scavenger.
    The other is a fish.
     
  17. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    A soldier is about to go into a huge battle. All of a sudden while looking around he notices that he doesn't have a gun.
    So he calls his Sargent over.
    "Hey Sarge. All the other men have guns. I don't have mine! What do I do?"
    The Sargent hands him a broom stick. "Just point this at the enemy and yell, 'Bang bang' and that will do."
    "And what about a bayonet?"
    The Sarge ties a piece of string on the end. "Make a back and forth motion while yelling, 'Stab stab' and that will work."
    The battle starts and our soldier does just what the Sarge instructed him to do. And sure enough it works! He yells "Bang bang" and enemy soldiers in the distance fall down. When they get close enough he yells "Stab stab" and they go over as if they were stabbed by a real bayonet.
    After some time everyone on both sides is laying on the ground either dead, dying or wounded except for two of them. Our soldier and an enemy he sees in the distance walking towards him.
    "Bang bang!" he yells over and over but that doesn't effect the walker at all.
    When he gets close enough, "Stab stab!" doesn't do anything either.
    All of a sudden the enemy knocks him down and starts to walk on top of the one with the broom stick. It feels like tons of weight is on him crushing him to death.
    Just before the soldier on the ground dies the last thing he hears is the one walking on him saying slowly over and over again, "Tank, tank, tank, tank...."
     
  18. Twiddlemylobes

    Twiddlemylobes Fat Tuesday Orleans

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    What's Matt Flynn gonna wear to Thanksgiving dinner?





    A tie
     
  19. Twiddlemylobes

    Twiddlemylobes Fat Tuesday Orleans

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    What do the numbers 3 2 and 11 represent?





    Our possible 2014regular season record if we let Matt Flynn finish the season
     
  20. Twiddlemylobes

    Twiddlemylobes Fat Tuesday Orleans

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    Would the 2nd string Safety to the 1st string Safety be referred to as. "Secondary to the Secondary?
    Or would that he considered a "no strings attached" relationship due to a non primary role?
     
  21. Baked

    Baked Cheesehead

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    There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
     
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  22. Vltrophy

    Vltrophy Cheesehead

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    Vikings Bears & Lions. Now there's a good joke
     
  23. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    Two for the season:

    Why do hillbillies love halloween?
    Because they get to pump kin!


    Why can't witches get pregnant?
    Because goblins have hollow weenies!

    Happy Halloween everybody!
     
  24. mcoomer146

    mcoomer146 Cheesehead

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    He said Austria. HAHAHAHA!!!
     
  25. Poppa San

    Poppa San SB I trophy First of four Staff Member Moderator

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    Oooooooh-kaaaaaaay. :confused:
    Color me confused. :tdown:
     

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