1. Welcome to Green Bay Packers NFL Football Forum & Community!
    Packer Forum is one of the largest online communities for the Green Bay Packers.

    You are currently viewing our community forums as a guest user.

    Sign Up or

    Having an account grants you additional privileges, such as creating and participating in discussions. Furthermore, we hide most of the ads once you register as a member!
  2. Announcement is LIVE: Read the Forum Post

Post a Joke Thread

Discussion in 'The Atrium' started by robdog, Apr 29, 2009.

  1. Goater

    Goater Feed the Goat

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Ratings:
    +4
    I'm reaching out on behalf of an old golf buddy of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  2. scotscheese

    scotscheese Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2013
    Messages:
    304
    Ratings:
    +184
    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  3. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    3,620
    Ratings:
    +2,085
    cat snowball (1).jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. Deke

    Deke Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2009
    Messages:
    34
    Ratings:
    +6
    A store that sells new husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose herself a spouse.

    Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    “You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
    There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper moves up the building.
    The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!”

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to see what she might find. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
    "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Gorgeous.
    Wow! she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Gorgeous and Help With Housework.
    "Oh, my!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  5. scotscheese

    scotscheese Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2013
    Messages:
    304
    Ratings:
    +184
    Roses are red
    violets are blue
    The shorter the skirt
    The better the view.
     
  6. scotscheese

    scotscheese Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2013
    Messages:
    304
    Ratings:
    +184
    For once in my life I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited as my penis.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  7. scotscheese

    scotscheese Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2013
    Messages:
    304
    Ratings:
    +184
    Easy Steps to **** like a Woman: 1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home. 2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper. 3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands. 4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached). 5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back. 6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh. 7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds. 8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces. 9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role). 10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper. 11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport. 12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid. 13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap. 14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener. 15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

    Easy Steps to **** like a Man: 1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag; tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4). 2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors. 3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down. 4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim. 5. Open reading material and relax. 6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart. 7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man. 8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks. 9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it. 10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan. 11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper. 12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo. 13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later). 14. Wash your hands once. 15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  8. scotscheese

    scotscheese Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2013
    Messages:
    304
    Ratings:
    +184
    Roses are red , Violets are blue, I've got Alzheimer's, Beans on toast
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    3,620
    Ratings:
    +2,085
    A young ventriloquist is touring Minnesota and one night he's doing a show in a small border town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype Minnesota blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?


    It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... Pathetically all in the name of humor!"

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells out at him: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap!"
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    3,620
    Ratings:
    +2,085



    How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.


    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

    If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

    Get in the shower.

    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...

    Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced..

    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...

    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Turn off shower.

    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

    Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

    Get out of shower..

    Dry with towel the size of a small country.

    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
    How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    Walk naked to the bathroom.

    If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

    Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

    Get in the shower.

    Wash your face.

    Wash your armpits..

    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

    Wash your hair.

    Make a Shampoo Mohican

    Wee.

    Rinse off and get out of shower..

    Partially dry off.

    Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

    Admire willy size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

    If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

    Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2014
    • Like Like x 1
  11. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    3,620
    Ratings:
    +2,085
    What is the meaning ofcourage?


    Is it to fight a bull without any weapon?

    Is it to fly a fighter in combat?


    Is it to practice free fall parachuting?

    Is it bungee jumping, white water rafting?



    No those are nothing!

    THIS
    , my friend, is COURAGE!!!


    securedownload.jpg





    Plus it’s the last photo I have of my dog
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
  12. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    3,620
    Ratings:
    +2,085
    THE FIVE SIMPLE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than on a bicycle.

    2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

    3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

    4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but, then, neither does milk.


    AND A BONUS RULE:Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!...
     
  13. AmishMafia

    AmishMafia Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2010
    Messages:
    2,599
    Ratings:
    +1,862
    Man escapes from prison where he has been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He ties the husband to a chair then ties the wife to the bed. The convict then straddles the woman and begins kissing her neck while the husband watches. The convict then gets up and goes into the bathroom. The man whispers to his wife, "Listen, this man is dangerous. Don't make him angry. I saw how he kissed your neck. I know what he wants. Just give in it to him, don't resist. Give him anything he wants and do it with a smile on your face no matter how disgusting or nauseating. If you don't he may kill us. Be strong Honey. I love you."

    The wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He said he was gay and thought you were cute. He asked where the vaseline was. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong Honey. I love you too."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  14. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2009
    Messages:
    7,834
    Ratings:
    +2,674
    It was the last day for George the mail man (aka postman for BB and other overseas friends :D) after 30 years of faithful service.
    Some folks in the neighborhood celebrated his retirement. One household gave him a box of cigars. At another he got a gift of good whiskey. Then he came to another house where a fine lady wearing a sheer nightgown invited him in. They went upstairs and into the bedroom where he made sweet and terrific love to her.
    After they finished they went into her kitchen where she made him a wonderful breakfast. When she gave him a final cup of coffee she put a dollar bill next to the cup.
    "What's this?" George asked.
    "That's a dollar for your retirement."
    "Whatever gave you this idea to give me just a dollar?"
    "Well, when I asked my husband what to give you for your last day he said, 'Screw the mailman. Give him a dollar.' Then breaking into a proud grin she concluded, "But the breakfast was my idea."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  15. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2009
    Messages:
    7,834
    Ratings:
    +2,674
    A Husband is a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until 24 December to do his Christmas shopping.

    (I bet some of you are like that! LOL)
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  16. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2009
    Messages:
    7,834
    Ratings:
    +2,674
    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '93." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '93, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Poppa San

    Poppa San SB I trophy First of four Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2010
    Messages:
    4,422
    Ratings:
    +1,038
    A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he
    could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special
    case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

    After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

    'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
    "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
    over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

    "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."
    The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

    Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right dummy, get in."
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  18. Poppa San

    Poppa San SB I trophy First of four Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2010
    Messages:
    4,422
    Ratings:
    +1,038
    } A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
    "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

    } Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
    "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
     
  19. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2009
    Messages:
    7,834
    Ratings:
    +2,674
    Teacher: How many letters in the alphabet?
    Quiz Kid: 11
    Teacher: There are 26 letters in the alphabet. How did you come up with 11?
    Quiz Kid: T-H-E-A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T
     
  20. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2009
    Messages:
    7,834
    Ratings:
    +2,674
    Here's a joke to pull on someone:
    Ask them if their shirt or socks have any holes in them.
    No.
    Then how did you put it on?
     
  21. Poppa San

    Poppa San SB I trophy First of four Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2010
    Messages:
    4,422
    Ratings:
    +1,038
    On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said,

    "Today I am going to create an area of land called The Midwest. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall hills and rolling plains full of game and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and streams full of trout, forests full of deer and turkeys, valleys with fertile soil with an abundance nutrients to grow things, and rivers teeming with fish."

    God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Midwesterners, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Midwesterners??"
    "Not really," replied God.. "Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"
     
    • Like Like x 1
  22. Terre Haute Cheesehead

    Terre Haute Cheesehead Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2010
    Messages:
    392
    Ratings:
    +191
    Did you hear that the CUBS will NOT be selling beer this year at Wrigley Field?

    They lost their opener! :roflmao:

    (And sadly, I'm a CUBS fan)
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  23. mcoomer146

    mcoomer146 Cheesehead

    Joined:
    May 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,084
    Ratings:
    +55
    Born and raised right outside of STL, this is hilarious!!! Glad to see Cubs fans finally coming to grips with losing baseball.
     
  24. Vltrophy

    Vltrophy Cheesehead

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2012
    Messages:
    3,760
    Ratings:
    +391
    What does Obamacare & Monica Lewinski have in common?
    A: They both SUCK!!
     
  25. Poppa San

    Poppa San SB I trophy First of four Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2010
    Messages:
    4,422
    Ratings:
    +1,038
    It Takes A Wisconsin Man To Make You Feel Like A Woman
    ---A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
    things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
    One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to
    die,'she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last
    minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can
    make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in
    the front of the plane.
    ---Then the man from Wisconsin stood up in the rear of
    the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and
    hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
    as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
    Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...
    Then, he spoke...



    ' Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1

Share This Page