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Post a Joke Thread

Discussion in 'The Atrium' started by robdog, Apr 29, 2009.

  1. Packers_16-0

    Packers_16-0 Cheesehead

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  2. I_am_smoked_cheddar

    I_am_smoked_cheddar Guest

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    The Washington NFL team will be changing it's name.
    The new team name will be :

    The
    Washington Possums
    possium1.jpg They can play dead at home,
    then go get killed on the road .
     
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  3. Terre Haute Cheesehead

    Terre Haute Cheesehead Cheesehead

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    Fable of the Porcupine

    It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way, they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So, they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisley, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way, they were able to survive.

    So, the best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

    Moral of the story: Just learn to live with the pricks in your life! :tup: :(
     
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  4. Terre Haute Cheesehead

    Terre Haute Cheesehead Cheesehead

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    Resetting a scene (conversation) from an old "Beverly Hillbillies" 60's episode.

    (Jethro's driving all of them in the truck along the shoreline; Jethro pointing out at the ocean)

    Jethro says (to Uncle Jed): "Uncle Jed, out there about three thousand miles is what they call the Hawaiin Islands."

    Uncle Jed: "Well, doggies, boy! You got some eyes!" :rolleyes:
     
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  5. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A good hot cup of decaffeinated coffee will wake you up just as good as regular coffee.........


















    If you spill it all over yourself !
     
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  6. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    The 5 symptoms of laziness are :

    1.
     
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  7. fanindaup

    fanindaup Cheesehead

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    Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
    won't stop staring at her.
    She asks him why he is staring.
    He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
    She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
    "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
    The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
     
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  8. Terre Haute Cheesehead

    Terre Haute Cheesehead Cheesehead

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    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake!

    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

    'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,
    that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
    'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
     
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  9. Terre Haute Cheesehead

    Terre Haute Cheesehead Cheesehead

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    It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center. Claude the
    hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to
    hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
    antique pocket watch from his coat.
    "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a
    very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
    chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
    gleaming off its polished surface.
    A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly,
    the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
    the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
    "Sh*t!" said the hypnotist.
    It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
     
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  10. Terre Haute Cheesehead

    Terre Haute Cheesehead Cheesehead

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    Man Killed on Golf Course

    A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee. The ladies were not rushing and were taking their time.

    When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet. She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!" He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 63 . . .
     
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  11. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    Yeah.
    The other day someone called me a "slacker."
    I don't know what that really means.
    So I'll have to look it up in the dictionary.
    Maybe I'll get around to doing it tomorrow. If not, then maybe the next day. Or the next.
     
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  12. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    A woman is seeing her gynecologist before her fourth wedding.
    During the examination, he sees that she is still a virgin.
    Surprised, he asks, "You have been married three times before. How can you still be a virgin?"
    "Well, you see, " she says to explain, "My first husband was a psychiatrist and just wanted to analyze it all the time.
    My second husband was a contractor and kept on saying that he would get around to it.
    My third husband was an author and just wanted to write about it.
    But now my fourth husband," she says with a sly smile, "is a lawyer so now I know I will get screwed."
     
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  13. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
    "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee ." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"
     
  14. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
    Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
    Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24
    Hours to live.
    Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the
    Very bad news?
    Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
     
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  15. Sandolf

    Sandolf Blue Moon Rising

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    All of this green in here makes me want to post a Paddy Irishman joke.


    'Y 'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

    'Well,' said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

    'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin , there's Ryan's Pub. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another; in fact, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid as many times as you want. And all of this is on the house. It doesn't cost a single Euro.'

    The Englishman and Scotsman immediately doubt the Irishman's claims; but, the Irishman swears that every word is true.

    'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

    'Not me meself; personally, no,' responded the Irishman.
    'But, it did happen to me sister.'
     
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  16. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    Pics or it didn't happen.
    ;)
     
  17. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    Three blondes living together want a snack. One blonde goes to the shop and comes back with a box of Cheerios™.
    "Omg!" shouts one blonde. She takes the box and digs a hole in the garden. She pours the cheerios in the hole and buries them.
    "What are you doing?" one asks..
    "I’m growing a doughnut tree!" she replies.
     
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  18. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    A man calls 911 emergency: "Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"
    After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."
     
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  19. Pokerbrat2000

    Pokerbrat2000 Opinions are like A-holes, we all have one.

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    A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

    The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

    WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

    The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

    Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

    The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

    Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're about to land."
     
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  20. Pokerbrat2000

    Pokerbrat2000 Opinions are like A-holes, we all have one.

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    Q: How hard did the Chicago Bears hit Brett Favre before he left the game with a concussion?

    A: So hard he sent a girl a picture of himself with his pants on!
     
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  21. Forget Favre

    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    There are 4 people in a plane; Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, George W. Bush and a 7-year old girl. The pilot comes out and says, "Folks, we are about to crash but we only have three parachutes left. Good luck." And then he jumps out.
    Bill Gates gets one parachute and says "I need this because I have to keep on giving more money to charity. " So he gets out of the plane and dissapears in the clouds. Then George W. Bush gets a parachute and says "Well, I was president, a very important man so I'll take advantage." So he gets off the plane and dissapears into the clouds. The Dali Lama tells the 7-year old girl and says "It's ok, you can take the last parachute for I have lived many years and I will come back anyway and you have a whole life ahead of you." But then the little girl says, "There are still 2 more parachutes left, because Dubya just took my backpack."
     
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  22. buggybill2003

    buggybill2003 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

    > Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
    > Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
    > Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
    > Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
    > -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    > Samsung Electronics
    > Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
    > Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
    > Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
    > Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

    > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    > RAC Motoring Services
    > Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
    > Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'


    > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    > Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
    > 'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

    > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    > Directory Enquiries
    > Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
    > Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
    > Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

    > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    > Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
    > Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
    > Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland
    '.

    > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    > On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
    > 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

    > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    > Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
    > Customer: 'OK'.
    > Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
    > Customer: 'No'.
    > Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
    > Customer: 'No'.
    > Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
    > Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

    > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    > Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
    > Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

    > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    > Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

    Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
    > -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    > There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
    > Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
    >
    > Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
    > Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
    > Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
    > Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
    > Operator: 'Went away?'
    > Caller: 'They disappeared.'
    > Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
    > Caller: 'Nothing.'
    > Operator: 'Nothing??'
    > Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
    > Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
    > Caller: 'How do I tell?'
    > Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
    > Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
    > Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
    > Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
    > Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
    > Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
    > Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tellsyouwhen it's on??'
    > Caller: 'I don't know.'
    > Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
    > Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
    > Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
    > Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
    > Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
    > Caller: 'No.'
    > Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
    > Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
    > Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
    > Caller: 'I can't reach.'
    > Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
    > Caller: 'No.'
    > Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
    > Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
    > Operator: 'Dark??'
    > Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
    >' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
    > Caller: 'I can't.'
    > Operator: 'No? Why not??'
    > Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
    > Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
    >Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
    > Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
    > Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it
    > Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
    > Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
    > Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
    > Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'​
     
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  23. Bignutz

    Bignutz I'm a victim of coicumstances!

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    A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'. The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on. The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary
     
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  24. Bignutz

    Bignutz I'm a victim of coicumstances!

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    A Packer fan walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
    the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
    eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
    table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
    his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
    see what your monkey just did?"

    "No, what?"

    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
    Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
    leaves.

    Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
    drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
    his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
    up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


    Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
    eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

    "No, what?" replied the man.

    "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
    ate them!" said the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
    sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
     
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  25. Bignutz

    Bignutz I'm a victim of coicumstances!

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    A Packerfan is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making Viking fan steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
    The poor Packer fan starts crying.

    'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the Viking fan says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'
    'This is the worst day of my life,' says the Packer fan between sobs.
    'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my
    boss fired me. When I
    went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'
     
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