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Clean jokes

Discussion in 'The Atrium' started by DePack, Apr 21, 2006.

  1. DePack

    DePack Cheesehead

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    To counter the swearing thread I thought I'd start a Friday afternoon "clean joke thread"

    A guy walks into a cardiologist's office. The doctor ask "What's the problem?"

    The guy answers, "I think I'm a moth"

    The doctor replies " You think you're a moth? You don't need a cardiologist. You need a psychiatrist"

    "I know that!" says the patient.

    "So why are you in my office?"

    "Your light was on!"
     
  2. big3

    big3 Cheesehead

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    What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
     
  3. MontanaBob

    MontanaBob Cheesehead

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    "ARRINGTON.......JEEZ, I THOUGHT YOU WERE PIRATES SAYING "HARRINGTON!!"

    No wonder I thought everyone was nuts. :D
     
  4. cheesey

    cheesey Cheesehead

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    A naked man walks into a psychiatrist's office.......he asks the psychiatrist "Do you think I'm crazy???"














    The doctor says........."No.........but i can see your nuts!!!"LOLOLOL!!! :lol:
     
  5. WinnipegPackFan

    WinnipegPackFan Cheesehead

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    LMAO.....Good One DePack !!!
     
  6. 4packgirl

    4packgirl Cheesehead

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    ok, the blonde was a tad slow but eventually i got it!! yay me!! roflmao!!!
     
  7. big3

    big3 Cheesehead

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    a blonde outwitting another blonde? Is that an oxymoron?
     
  8. 4packgirl

    4packgirl Cheesehead

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    stop asking me these difficult questions, big3!!!!!! :shrug: :wink:

    actually, i believe a blonde outwitting another blonde means the world is surely headed for disaster!!! :rotflmao:
     
  9. cheesey

    cheesey Cheesehead

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    I"D be REALLY offended!!!.........(if i understood what this meant!)LOLOLOL!!! :lol:
     
  10. all about da packers

    all about da packers Cheesehead

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    :shock:

    You think THATS bad? I just got the joke AFTER I opened the thread for the second time, the first time being TWO days ago... :eek:

    DePack, you better watch it, I don't mind editing posts that make us mods look like the idiots we really are... :wink: :lol:
     
  11. cheesey

    cheesey Cheesehead

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    (TWO days!?!?) Ok............at least you were willing to admit it...........LOLOL!!! :lol:
     
  12. 4packgirl

    4packgirl Cheesehead

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    admitting it is the first step!!! blonde's rule - brunette's drool!!!!!
     
  13. all about da packers

    all about da packers Cheesehead

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    But I have black hair... :shock:
     
  14. big3

    big3 Cheesehead

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    I didn't mean to start so much controversy, but I love that joke. It was from the movie hot shots. In one part a girl says something to charlie sheen. He says your joking. She says if I were joking I would have said (insert elephant joke). Now every time I say something unbelievable and my wife says you're kidding that is how I respond.:)
     
  15. gopackgo4

    gopackgo4 Cheesehead

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    Knock Knock (whos there) the doorbell repairman
     
  16. cheesey

    cheesey Cheesehead

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    Surely you jest!!!!..............."No i DON'T!.........and STOP calling me SHIRLEY!!!"LOLOLOL!!! :lol:
     
  17. Zero2Cool

    Zero2Cool I own a website

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    One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

    "No, I don't," said the little boy.

    "OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

    Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ***!"
     
  18. all about da packers

    all about da packers Cheesehead

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    lol there you go again Z2C, causing another thread a PG-13 rating. :p
     
  19. PackerChick

    PackerChick Cheesehead

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    I love this one. Great.
     
  20. Miskito

    Miskito Cheesehead

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    Once upon a time in a far away valley there were short, stubby people called Trids. The Trids lived quite a simple life, really: eating, sleeping, having a few drinks and what-not. But the thing the Trids loved to do more than anything was to collect flowers. And the most beautiful flowers where atop the highest hill, so it was always quite cumbersome to get them.

    One day while a Trid was going up to get some of these beautiful flowers, he noticed that there was another being on top of the hill that was not a Trid - it was a Troll! Frightened, but persistent, the Trid continued up the path, reached the top of the hill and proceeded to pick some flowers.

    The Troll saw the Trid, and with stunning speed, kicked him so hard in the rear that the Trid lost his balance and rolled all the way down the hill into the valley.

    That whole day, every Trid that went up the hill to try to get flowers was consequently kicked in the rear and rolled down the hill. Not one Trid got any flowers.

    Frusturated (and smarting), the Trids went to see their leader, The Wise Rabbi, to put an end to this disruption. "Rabbi, Rabbi! Every time we try to go up the hill, that big Troll kicks us off off and we're left without one flower! What can we do?' The Rabbi, with all of his wisdom, came up with a brilliant plan.
    "Dear Trids: I have a wonderful plan. First thing tomorrow morning all of us Trids will rush up the hill and grab as many flowers as we can, as quickly as we can. He certainly cannot kick us all off at the same time." The plan sounded fool-proof. The Trids were delighted.

    First thing the next morning all the Trids lined up, with the Rabbi in front ready to storm the hill. "Charge!" went the cry and the group of little Trids rushed up the hill. Unfortunately for the Trids, the Troll had a keen eye and saw the Trids coming, enough time for the Troll to put on his special kicking boots.

    The Trids reached the top of the hill but the Troll was waiting for them. With ease, the Troll kicked one after the other, sending them rolling down the hill. He kicked this Trid, and kicked that Trid until ultimately every Trid was kicked down the hill except for their leader, The Rabbi.

    In awe of the Troll's power, but a bit confused why he remained atop the hill, the Rabbi asked the Troll, "Troll, you kicked every Trid off this hill but you left me alone. Why?" The Troll answered, "Silly, Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
     
  21. 4packgirl

    4packgirl Cheesehead

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    i can't believe i wasted 30 seconds of my life reading that, skito!!!! :moon:
     
  22. Daz666

    Daz666 Cheesehead

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    Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:


    1st woman: "I froze to death".


    2nd woman: "How horrible".


    1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"


    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, found him all by himself in the den watching TV".


    1st woman: "So what happened?"


    2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died".


    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .


    1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive".
     
  23. Daz666

    Daz666 Cheesehead

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    HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

    It's really not difficult...

    To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:

    01. a friend

    02. a companion

    03. a lover

    04. a brother

    05. a father

    06. a master

    07. a chef

    08. an electrician

    09. a carpenter

    10. a plumber

    11. a mechanic

    12. a decorator

    13. a stylist

    14. a sexologist

    15. a gynaecologist

    16. a psychologist

    17. a pest exterminator

    18. a psychiatrist

    19. a healer

    20. a good listener

    21. an organiser

    22. a good father

    23. very clean

    24. sympathetic

    25. athletic

    26. warm

    27. attentive

    28. gallant

    29. intelligent

    30. funny

    31. creative

    32. tender

    33. strong

    34. understanding

    35. tolerant

    36. prudent

    37. ambitious

    38. capable

    39.courageous

    40. determined

    41. true

    42. dependable

    43. passionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

    44. give her compliments regularly

    45. love shopping

    46. be honest

    47. be very rich

    48. not stress her out

    49. not look at other girls

    AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    50. give her lots of attention,

    51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    52 . Never to forget

    birthdays

    anniversaries

    arrangements she makes





    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:-

    01. Feed him

    02. Shag him

    03. Leave him in peace
     
  24. Daz666

    Daz666 Cheesehead

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    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
    now Published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
    while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.
    ***********************************************************
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15.

    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    **********************************************************

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ***********************************************************

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    A: I forget.

    Q: You forget? Give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
    ***********************************************************
    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    Q: How long has he lived with you?

    A: Forty-five years.

    ***********************************************************

    Q: What's the 1st thing your husband said to you when he
    woke up that morning?

    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    Q: And why did that upset you?

    A: My name is Susan.

    *************************************************************
    Q: > Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
    or the occult?

    A: We both do.

    Q: Voodoo?

    A: We do.

    Q: You do?

    A: Yes, voodoo.

    *************************************************************
    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
    he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    *************************************************************
    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


    ***********************************************************

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    *************************************************************
    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    *************************************************************
    Q: > > She had three children, right?

    A: Yes.

    Q: How many were boys?

    A: None.

    Q: Were there any girls?

    *************************************************************
    Q: > > How was your first marriage terminated?

    A: By death.

    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    *************************************************************
    Q: > > Can you describe the individual?

    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    Q: Was this a male, or female?

    *************************************************************
    Q: > Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?

    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ***********************************************************

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
    people?

    A: > > All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    ***********************************************************

    Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
    you go to?

    A:> > > Oral.

    ***********************************************************

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
    an autopsy.
    ***********************************************************
    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    ***********************************************************
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
    check for a pulse?

    A: No.

    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

    A: No.

    Q: Did you check for breathing?

    A: No.

    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    when you began the autopsy?

    A: No.

    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law somewhere...
     
  25. Ryan

    Ryan Cheesehead

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    Why does a chicken coupe only have 2 doors?








    If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan!
     

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