A little boy asked his father for a bike for his up coming birthday. so the father gently broke the bad news to his son, "it's hard times son, economy broke and we can't afford new things right now sorry son" Well the next morning the father found his young son standing on the sidewalk with his bags packed. Father asked "son what are you doing out here so early with your bags packed?" The little boy hung his head low and said, "hard times daddy, I walked past yours and mothers room last night and you told her that you couldn't take it anymore I'm pulling out early and said no wait I'm coming too. So I'm beating y'all to the punch because I'll be damned if I'm gonna be left here alone with nobody to cook and no way to school" Lol
A little boy walks up to his preacher & says "Pastor,when I get a job I'm going to give you all of my paychecks". The Pastor replies"Son there's no need for that,just give your tithe". The little boy responds"No sir,I'm givin' you all my money,my daddy says your the poorest preacher we've ever had".
If u look at my pic I to am blonde but u never hear blonde jokes about guys. It's always about the women. They say blondes have more fun....maybe they're jealous? Who knows. I'm sure I opened up a can but it's all in good fun,lol
Trust me, I'm used to the jokes. I just re-tell and insert "brunette", the way the joke was intended to be told.
An elderly couple see their doctor for the annual physical. The husband sees him first. "Well, sir," says the Dr. "You are in very good shape for a man of your age." "Yes doc,"replies the elderly gent. "I feel very blessed that the good lord has taken care of me all these years. Matter of fact, the most recent thing he's been doing for me is turning on the light when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and turning it off when I'm leaving to go back to bed." "Is that a fact?" asks the doctor with great surprise. "Yes sir. It's true." A little while later the doctor is seeing the misses. "You know ma'am your husband told me the strangest thing. He claims that when he gets up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night the lord turns the light on for him when he gets in and off when he leaves." "Why that old rascal!" the wife exclaimed "I'm gonna kill him when we get home. He's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
Aman & his wife goes to his Dr. the Dr. gives him a physical & then tells the man he needs to speak to hs wife. The man goes out of the Dr.s office as his wife walks in. After sitting down the Dr. begins to tell the mans wife what is needed in order for the man to live a long life. He says "Mrs. Smith you'll need to fix your husband a good breakfast every morning,don't yell at him but speak in a soft voice & have sex w/him at least once a month. Doing this will mean your husband will live a long life. The wife walks out into the waiting room where her husband awaits her. Mr. Smith says to his wife"What'd the Dr. say?" Mrs. Smith replied,The Dr. said you have 6 months to live
It's time for Charlie the mailman, who has been delivering the mail faithfully in the neighborhood for years, to finally retire. When his neighbors heard, some of them had gifts for him. One house had a box of cigars, another couple gave him a bottle of wine and he got a can of gourmet coffee through another door. At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced. When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' But the breakfast was my idea."
How to impress a woman:Compliment her,kiss her,love her,support her,tease her,protect her,listen to her. How to impress a man:Show up naked,bring a beer
What's the difference between a mother & a wife? One brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so
Did you read about the boy who was born without eyelids? A surgeon was able to fashion new ones from his foreskin. The prognosis is good though the doctor thinks he'll be a little cockeyed.
The otherday I saw a guy on the corner holding a cardboard sign that said "anything helps" So I kicked him in the face...
What's the last thing a woman wants to hear after having sex with Willie Nelson? "I'm not Willie Nelson"
A man & his wife file for divorce. Before the divorce is finale the husband finds a magic lamp. He rubs it & the genie appears. The genie tells the husband he has 3 wishes BUT whatever he wishes for his wife gets double. The husband wishes for $5 Million dollars. Genie says ok your wife gets $10M. The husband wishes for a $500,000 house on 5 acres. The genie doubles that for his wife. Genie asks the husband for his 3rd & finale wish. The husband replies,scare me half to death.
Oirish Joke John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the Best Toast of The Night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of The Night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
Once upon a time long, long, ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Bears made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual, that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition.The team that catches the most fish at th...e end of the week wins. So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Packers had caught 100 fish and the Bears had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Packers had caught 200 fish and the Bears 0. That evening the Bears coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place". So the next morning he dressed one of his players in green and gold and sent him over to the Packers camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?" "They sure are," the player reported,---- "They're cutting holes in the ice".
