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Post a Joke Thread

Discussion in 'The Atrium' started by robdog, Apr 29, 2009.

  1. Raptorman
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    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

    All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

    "My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."
  2. Raptorman
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    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
    'Hello?'

    'Hi, honey.
    This is Daddy.
    Is Mommy near the phone?'

    'No, Daddy.
    She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

    After a brief pause,

    Daddy says,

    'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

    'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
    right now.'

    Brief Pause.

    'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
    Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
    knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
    that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

    'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

    A few minutes later
    The little girl comes back to the phone.

    'I did it, Daddy.'

    'And what happened, honey?'

    'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
    on and ran around screaming.

    Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
    and now she isn't moving at all!'

    'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

    'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
    He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
    and into the swimming pool.
    But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
    last week to clean it.
    He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'








    Long Pause









    Longer Pause









    Even Longer Pause








    Then Daddy says,








    'Swimming pool? ...........








    Is this 486-5731?'











    No, I think you have the wrong number ...
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  3. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    Three nuns at the convent are given the job of painting the hallway. They are scared of getting paint all over themselves as its a messy job, and as they are all young and a bit more forward thinking than some of the older nuns, and as they are all girls together, that they`ll take off all there clothes so they wont get paint on their habits.

    After about an hour there is a knock on the door and the nuns shout "who is it ?".
    "It`s the blind man from the village !" is the reply.
    The nuns decide that there isn`t a problem as its the blind man from the village, so he`s not gonna notice they are all naked, so they open the door.
    At that, the man says "Nice tits sisters !. Now where do you want me to fit these blinds ?"
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  4. Raptorman
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    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

    A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

    'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '

    It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'f***', the Rottweiler ate him!
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  5. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    Two guys playing golf one day on the 17th green. As one addresses his putt, a funeral convoy goes past. The man stops, removes his cap and bows his head, and a solitary tear rolls down his cheek. He then addresses the ball and sinks a thirty foot putt for par.
    His friend is touched by his show of respect and tells him in no uncertain terms that it is the most respectful thing he`s ever seen in his life, to which the man replies "Well after 35 years married, I`ll never find another wife as good as her. It was the least I could do !".
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  6. Vltrophy
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    Vltrophy Cheesehead

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  7. IluvGB
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    IluvGB I <3 Packers!!!!

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    o.m.g.!!!!!!
  8. Forget Favre
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    Forget Favre Cheesehead

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    A man is at a party when he meets a urologist who brags that he can tell what anyone's medical condition is just by studying their urine.
    The man decides to schedule an appointment with the doctor to give him a challenge.
    He says that he is unable to urinate in the office rest room and is able to take the empty cup home and to bring it back the next day full of his pee.
    The man has his wife pee into the cup. Then his dog. His daughter. And for good measure he masturbates and does his thing.
    He gets a follow up appointment, gives it to the doctor and waits for the results.
    After a few hours later the doctor looks exhausted but triumphant at the same time.
    "OK. Here's what I found out. Your wife is fooling around with your best friend and has the clap. Your dog has fleas and worms and needs to see the vet. Your daughter is pregnant and if you don't stop masturbating you will never get rid of that tennis elbow."
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  9. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    A hyena finds a wounded chimp in a jungle clearing and nurses him back to life. The chimp tells the hyena he owes him big time and will always have his back.
    One day they are walking through the bush when they meet a lion. The lion grabs the hyena by the throat and throws him against a rock. The chimp rushes up a tree and watches the attack. The lion grabs the hyena a smacks him across the head with his mighty paw, then grabs the hyena by the rear leg and smashes his head against the tree repeatedly and then leaves him for dead. When the chimp comes down the tree, he goes to his friend to see if he is okay.
    "Okay ? okay ???, I`ve just had the living crap kicked out of me. You are supposed to be my friend. YOU were supposed to have my back. Why didn`t you help me ?"
    "Well" says the chimp, "You were laughing so much, I thought you were enjoying yourself !"
  10. Vltrophy
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    Vltrophy Cheesehead

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    The idiot who stole Bishops SB XLV jersey. That person is a joke
  11. Poppa San
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    Poppa San Pray daily and take the plunge for Eli Staff Member Moderator

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    I was on a trip last week without the family. So of course I was sitting in a bar. In walked two pretty hot female Vikings fans. They were with an honest politician and the Easter Bunny.
    :sneaky:
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  12. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    Magic Sex Sandals
    A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

    From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

    So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

    The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

    The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

    The Jamaican began screaming:





    'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
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  13. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday. 'She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes.'

    'Here's an idea,' said the colleague. 'Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted.'

    The next day, the colleague asked, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?'

    'Yes,' replied the man.

    'Did she like it?'

    'Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!''
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  14. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

    The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

    Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

    The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

    Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."
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  15. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    Q: Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois?

    A: On the first offense they give you Bears tickets, and on the second offense, they make you use them.
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  16. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.

    The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.

    The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
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  17. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    My wife said to me in bed "God, your feet are cold !". I said "You can call me Bill in bed dear !"
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  18. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    Watching football is like watching pornography. There`s plenty of action, and you can`t take your eyes off it, but when its over, you wonder why the hell you spent an afternoon doing it.
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  19. Raptorman
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    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    FROZEN SKUNK A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

    It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

    He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

    'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

    He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

    'But what about the smell?'

    'Just hold its little nose.'

    The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
  20. PackerFan71
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    PackerFan71 19/05/12

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    [​IMG]
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  21. Raptorman
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    Raptorman Vikings fan since 1966.

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    Recently at an Irish wedding reception someone yelled… ''Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made their life worth living''.
    The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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  22. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
    Men Are Just Happier People --
    What do you expect from such simple creatures?
    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    Chocolate is just another snack...
    You can be President.
    You can never be pregnant.
    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
    You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    Same work, more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
    People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
    New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    One mood all the time.
    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    You know stuff about tanks.
    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    You can open all your own jars.
    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    If someone forgets to invite you,
    He or she can still be your friend.
    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
    You almost never have strap problems in public.
    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
    Everything on your face stays its original color.
    The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
    You only have to shave your face and neck.
    You can play with toys all your life.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
    You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
    You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
    On December 24 in 25 minutes.
    ___________________________________
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  23. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    Men Are Just Happier People
    NICKNAMES

    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
    EATING OUT
    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
    MONEY
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
    BATHROOMS
    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
    ARGUMENTS
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    FUTURE
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    MARRIAGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
    DRESSING UP
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
    NATURAL
    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
    OFFSPRING
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
    SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
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  24. buggybill2003
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    buggybill2003 Cheesehead

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    Statiscally 10 out of 9 people are bad at maths !
  25. Terre Haute Cheesehead
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    Terre Haute Cheesehead Cheesehead

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    I apologize in advance to all blondes.....my bad:devilish:

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